來瞧一瞧那個連一眼也不能瞧的地方

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我第一次看這張版畫大約是在一九九一年,那時還只是個高中生。我就在一本台灣出版的卡夫卡小說選集的卷首插圖中看到的。多年以來我也看過一些版畫,但如果說令我深有感觸的話那任何一張也比不上這張。二OO七年一月三十日下午我到了香港中央圖書館找回那本小說集再看看那張圖,記憶真是不可靠,在我印象中的圖和再一次看到的原圖不完全吻合,我印象中的圖是:一個人走在一度門鎖在左邊的木門之前,他用右手開了門之後,但有萬度強光透射出來,那人隨即舉起右臂擋住那不能直視的光,本能地合上眼。版畫就是凝住了這刺眼的痛苦的一瞬。這當然是記憶對我的背叛,潛意識也幫上了一把,肆意的滿足它的創作欲,這已經不是的原作,原作中男人別轉了身雙手掩面,而門裡只有一片漆黑。

這是一度甚麼樣的門呢?這是一度只有少數人誤打誤撞才會遇上又意外打開了的門。如果你生活平淡、愉快,甚至自覺很幸福,那很好,你不曾遇上這度門。但願你一生也遇不上。我要遇上一度怎麼樣的門呢?我在街上隨意的走,興之所致混進了一座建築之中。這建築的大門內有著一條長走廊,走廊的盡頭是幾度較小的門,我走過其中一度門,奇怪,裡面有人聲,奇怪的事總要看看,我捉住那鋁質的門把,輕輕的扳下輕輕的推:暖和的陽光從窗外射進來,一室透亮,微塵就在光線裡上下浮動,沿著陽光向窗外望,是幾株高大的台灣相思,開滿了一串一串黃色的小花,隨風俯仰,黃花之中却夾纏著一叢一叢的繡球般的綠花,這不是大葉合歡嗎?也開了一樹的花。兩種花的香氣混在一起,都隨著暖濕的微風緩緩的吹送過來,香香甜甜,細察仿佛還有沖淡了的指甲花的香味從遠處飄過來--喧鬧,花界的喧鬧,這不是初夏的景致嗎?聽,遠遠近近還有新蟬震耳的長鳴!畢竟這房是何處所呢?有長櫈,有儲物櫃,墻上還有一排排的掛勾,掛勾都零零星星掛上了衫。長櫈的盡處傳來幾個女學生的笑語。一個女學生將左手伸向脖子後,靈巧的手指挑起了拉鏈扣,左手拉著左邊的領,右手拉著右邊的領,左右手向兩邊一拉,拉鏈就徐徐向下分開了。可是,半路中途拉鏈頭却楔住了旁邊的布,就像負重的貨車陷在泥淖一般,不能再前進了。女學生反手將拉鏈頭推回幾分,再用手指捉住拉鏈頭,乾淨利落的往下一拉,拉鏈的行程告終。奇怪,她不穿襯裙:肌膚的雪白和柔軟透過拉鏈的縫口流逸出來,我甚至連細緻的幼嫩的毛孔都看得分明,皮膚的温暖蒸騰出十六、七歲少女的體香,也隨風飄盪,我聞到的香到底是花香還是體香呢?也拿不準,我合上眼,細意分辨:此香似有還無,不盈一匊……

我到底打開了一度怎麼樣的門呢?二OO六年十二月十二日我隨意打開了一度舊式的大木門,那比太陽光還要刺眼百倍的光從門裡面放射出來,我舉起右臂擋住那不能直視的光,本能地合上眼。強光中我清楚看到了那漆黑的深淵,深淵中充斥著虛無,這是一個連一眼也不能瞧的地方。約伯見了上帝是因為他堅如磐石的信仰,而我又為甚麼會成為"被揀選者"呢?真如是不能看的,那怕只是瞧一眼。只要瞧上了一眼,你那安寧平靜的世界就要崩潰消滅。樂生幻變成厭世用不上半天的工夫,比起微風吹翻地上的落葉還要容易。我的人生從來未嘗令我這般苦惱,而世界也從來未嘗令我如此難受。過去兩個月我費盡了力氣去關上這度門,我肩頂著門,用盡力推,總算是關上了。可是,真的已經把這度門關得嚴密嗎?我不能肯定。就是關得嚴密又有用嗎?看了就是看了,縱使只是一瞥。我能回到從前平靜的生活嗎?我也不知道。這是一度沒有門牌的門,我為著其他人的安寧,我在門上大書八字:門內絕無女生色香。

(圖片來自Bücher des Jahrhunderts)

11 留言:

倉海君 說...

我見過,開過,甚至進過那扇門。對你而言,那可能是但丁詩中的地獄之門:「棄絕一切希望吧,入門者。」(Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate)但對我來說,那光明的虛無正是莊生筆下的逍遙之域,在那裡我甜蜜地被強光刺瞎,再安心地閉上眼睛,然後就像醉舟一般縱浪於無何有之海。

我相信大家遇上的,都是同一道門--你由此得到抑鬱,我卻得到自在。為什麼呢?因為你(堅決)不承認虛無的創造力。只相信你一向所相信的,你就永遠只會得到你一向所得到的。

傳惑道人 說...

好狠,但好到

西口西面 說...

大家一齊投向西門的黑暗吧!

cliff 說...

"只相信你一向所相信的" ... what is that ??? ... what is the belief that you, 掬香齋主人, 一向所相信的 ???

倉海君, what is 虛無的創造力 ??? ... going thru the same door and you got a totally different experience, care to elaborate ???

cliff

katana 說...

此中可含蓄地表達一些什麼似地的女色犯禁??

倉海君 說...

這篇文不是allegory,沒必要尋找寓意。由於我認識作者本人,也許我的詮釋會跟其他讀者有點不同也說不定。想了解作者其人其事,建議先看看他之前的《二○○六年十二月病史 (上)》和《關於遊樂場的一件舊事》。

這幾篇文,坦白說,我是看得不寒而慄,尤其是本篇,用清和明麗如詩如夢的風景(再加一點點色情畫面)烘托冷酷異境的黑暗,簡直令我想起David Lynch的詭異電影。但我之所以不寒而慄,是因為我很清楚這不是電影,不是故事,而是活生生的夢魘。這是一種「形而上的抑鬱」,他自己稱為「時空焦慮症」(他媽的,我怎會認識這種人?),即使跳樓都無得醫。Cliff,其實「虛無的創造力」,由Zeke解釋可能會更有深度,你也可以自己先意會一下,不太難吧?我星期四才有空把上月中和掬香齋主人的對話寫出來,到時我會解釋一切。

左冷禪 說...

Actually I am quite surprised when I learnt 掬香齋主人 is suffered from depressive illness, so he claims, because I do not see there is anything in his life that would cause him depress. Please trust me, nobody in this blog knows more about depressive illness than I do (I have been suffereing from depressive illness and been visiting psychiatrist since NOvember 2003). If you take it scientifically, it requires some outer factors, i.e. matters from our more than complicated life that would cause you feel depressed, to trigger off the latent defects of your brian nerves and cells. Personally I find it next to impossible for men like 掬香齋主人 and a Mr T, who are leading an aimless life with a happy family where would not bring them any anxieties and worries at all, nor do they have to worry about monies and future career prospect, would become victims of depressive illness. I do not mean to be offensive, but if they are really diagnosed of having depressive illness, I believe over half of the world population are suffering from more severe depressive illness or mental disorder than they do. Yet they are claiming themselves to have depressive illness.
As a friend, my adivce to 掬香齋主人 is either you go to seek medical assistance or go and pick a religious belief that may suit you (I strongly recommend buddhism though I am a Catholic). By religion, I think it will help you to modify your way of thinking and divert your distorted belief to something worth believing. MOre important, religion, instead of philosophy, is the only way to help you to find out the true meaning of life.

倉海君 說...

左兄,你搞錯了,他的「病」完全超乎你想像,你的建議是完全無效的。星期四我會揭曉,你到時再評論吧。

katana 說...

但很有電影【蒙太奇】感,純對拍攝出來是有David Lynch的風格,亦令人想起 大衛咸美頓的那套 少女情懷總是詩,那種【光】線,令一切都像時間停頓的光影......
我亦看到上文有一個靈魂在吶喊前的浮遊漂蕩無邊苦慾之海....
可能我都是有病....暈

道士 說...

自掘多年的墳墓﹐把自己生葬﹐埋沒了社會和自己的牽連。我相信掬香主不是抑鬱﹐也不是病﹐而是剎那的清醒﹐忽然發覺自己現實所處的深淵﹐痛苦只不過是接收到一些常人早該接收到的訊息。我想反而該恭喜他這痛苦﹐是邁向正常的一小步﹐知恥近乎勇﹐希望他可因為痛﹐而慢慢爬出掘的深淵。
...
"And so in every way they would believe that the shadows of the objects we mentioned were the whole truth. "
"Yes, inevitably."
"Then think what would naturally happen to them if they were released from their bonds and cured of their delusions. Suppose one of them were let loose, and suddenly compelled to standup and turn his head and look and walk towards the fire; all these actions would be painful and he would be too dazzled to see properly the objects of which he used to see the shadows. What do you think he would say if he was told that what he used to see was so much empty nonsense and that he was now nearer reality and seeing more correctly, because he was turned towards objects that were more real, and if on top of that he were compelle to say what each of the passing objects was when it was pointed out to him? Don't you think he would be at a loss, and think that what he used to see was far truer than the objects now being pointed out to him?"
"Yes, far truer."
"And if he were made to look directly at the light of the fire, it would hurt his eyes and he would turn back and retreat to the things which he could see properly, which he would think clearer than the things being shown him."
...
- part 7, the philosopher ruler, the republic, Plato.

birgit 說...

讀了這一篇,無端端想起一面是美人一面是骷髏的風月寶鑑.